Weddings and Winnie the Pooh

My firstborn son was married in early October. It was joyful, beautiful, memorable and so filled with love. Weeks later, I’m still flooded with emotion.

The last hours of that glorious day found 6 of us in crumpled wedding clothes piled on my hotel room bed. Someone asked, “Mom, do you still remember all the Winnie the Pooh voices?” Such an unexpected query from a grown child, I still cannot place how it fit the moment. The realization that a brother had just left childhood officially? Nostalgia? Or the seeking of some firmer ground in the past?

After a tentative, “I don’t know” from me and a brief online search for the book, we found ourselves reading chapter 3, In Which Pooh and Piglet go Hunting and Nearly Catch a Woozle. I did sort of recall the voices the way I used to read them to my children - Pooh, innocent and easy-going, Piglet, high-pitched and nervous, Eeyore, slow and disgruntled. 

I wish I could have just watched the whole scene as I read. What I heard around me were deep sighs and giggles. What I felt was comfort and rest. For my children, it was a moment of leaving young adulthood with all its fun and pressures, and returning temporarily to childhood - a memory of being piled under covers with tangled legs, stuffed animals in hand, heads resting on my shoulders, innocence, peace, security, comfort, and love. For me, it was an unexpected God wink, being asked to read a story in the season of life when children don’t really want to listen to me and appropriately have their “I can run my own life, thank you” guard up. 

Grayson, the groom had 2 best men, his brothers - Owen, 4 years younger and Ben, 6 years. They both gave a speech at the reception, regaling the crowd with story after story, example after example about what they learned and experienced as younger brothers. They roasted the groom a bit, giving examples of all they learned NOT to do, all the ways their big brother had swindled them out of toys and collectibles and the ways they got hurt trying to keep up with him. But they also shared the things he taught - how to throw a football, make a slingshot, build a lego ship - first how to be a boy and recently, how to be a man. Their stories were vivid and detailed because these brothers didn’t watch at a distance, left out of friendship and grade level activities. Because we homeschooled, they were together a lot - boys who have many memories with their brother, who logged time playing, learning, fighting, adventuring and bonding. They know each other so well because they spent so much time together. 

I’m not sure why that Winne the Pooh moment was needed. What I do know for sure is that the moments we spend with our children, truly present and connected, sharing stories, characters and laughter are the most important part of raising them. Of all the things we want to provide - memorable vacations, their own room in a great house, entertainment, the right school, success in extracurricular activities, education, good health, etc. - in the end, it’s connection that matters and true connection happens in the midst of emotional safety. 

Unfortunately, in our busy world, we can forget to create emotional safety in our homes. When we live rushed lives - running to school, sports, and other activities; when we allow our children to disregard one another in favor of kids in their own grade; when we are so busy that we don’t address unkindness or indifference; when we allow selfishness to prevail, brushing it off as normal childhood circumstances, we are giving up relationship and connection. And that ripples into adulthood. 

I vividly remember one day in our homeschool when Grayson was really being mean to Owen. We were doing school together in the family room and I stopped the lesson, took Grayson to his room and sat down with him. I was angry and in earnest as I explained to him the important role he had. I said something like, “You have tremendous power for good or evil. The way you treat your younger brother will affect the man he becomes. When he is grown, he will be acting in life in relation to the way you shape him as his older brother.” (I probably knew his mindset because I had been a competitive and mean big sister at times. I understood how that could harm a relationship later.) The selfish competitiveness had to stop and Grayson heard me. I’m sure there were many more big brother offenses but the spirit of their relationship changed. I don’t recall what school subject was lost that day but the most important lesson had been taught. Connection matters more. 

I fear that too often we dismiss unkindness in our children’s relationships. We accept discord because we are late for the next event. Mama, you are not just the family activity manager, you are the heart of the home. Your intuition is worth listening to and your wisdom is more valuable than your efficiency or your family’s participation in everything.

Let my hindsight be your foresight - from a wedding looking back at Winnie the Pooh moments.

Slow down. 

Connect. 

Pooh and Piglet never did catch a Woozle. Instead they made dozens of footprints, circling around and around together.